Just Putting it out there...

This is not for everyone, but after you read this, some people will know who i am talking about...so I decided to talk about it right here...on my blog....where I'm "so dramatic"....

I just thought I would like to say how hilarious I think it is that a lot of these people are saying all of these comments about me....it's like they really know who I am. Especially those who I have dated already, saying stuff like...hmm pssh I don't know...im crazy, and all I care about is myself. Wow.....great job you guys...great job. This just comes to show that you don't know me because all of those things that you have said is not true. Sure....maybe my blogs are a little bit dramatic, but I was just showing on what's going on in my mind and what has been going on in the past. Plus...last time I checked....I'm an art student...I'm pretty sure it's ok for me to be dramatic if I want to. And what's up with everyone always saying I am texting every girl I know. I'm so sorry that I cannot talk to my friends....I didn't know it was bad to talk to friends that are girls. Oh, and those of you that say shit about me and I don't even talk to you, you might as well just stop. You don't know me and I don't know you...and I have not said anything about you because I don't know you....so you can just back off. Honestly...it's getting really really retarded. And now, apparently I'm using people just cuz I am horny.....man quit acting like you know me. Whatever I said about people and what I thought about people, that were nice, was not bullshit. I meant that stuff; you think what I did two weeks ago was easy for me? You think it was easy for me to move on? Think again!!!! I have tried explaining it to you in person...what I really thought...and you even agreed meeting with me that next day to talk to in person and you did not respond with when and where you wanted to meet. And you tell me I don't care about you....after you not responding so we can talk in person.....that actually says something to me right there. And if you're gonna agree what everyone else says about me, which are still not true....go ahead...I may have actually cared before, but now, I don't give a fuck!

If you have something to say about me, come say it to my face, I wont be pissed...not at all....I'll just be happy enough that you had enough balls to say it to my face. Now.....just let it out.....

You Only Get One Shot.....

Well, after going through spring break, seeing family, hanging out, taking some ballet classes, seeing friends, here comes the next big mark on my life that I could possibly will not forget. I am leaving for New York on Tuesday to go to the YAGP Job Fair. This is a company audition with companies all over, the United States and Europe, that are looking for dancers. This thing will have hundreds and hundreds of people, since a lot of people have done the competition. To be honest with you, I don't know how to feel; I feel nervous, and I am excited at the same time. Part of me is worried because I have only done three classes haha and I won't be able to do any these next two days before I go up there. It's all right though. I'm pretty sure I will be all right. But....this is when I just have to go out there, and show these directors what I have. Going out there and show my personality...showing them that I am an artist, and that I love my art form. Honest to God, if it wasn't for this art form, I have no idea where I would be in my life right now. Just like what my friend told me...I need to go out there, shut up, and just dance. I know that my family is there cheering for me all the way, even though they all will not be up there with me....but I know I am in their thoughts....same goes to my friends. As Eminem would say, "If you have.....one shot....or one opportunity....to seize everything you have ever wanted..in one moment...would you capture it?...or just let it slip?....."

A Little Spark

So it's been a while since I've last been on here. Schools been....school. tired, stressed, and just workin workin workin it. been doing auditions and so far they have been going really good so far. its really stressful at the same time, but hey, I never thought it was going to be easy. I found out I am doing an audition in New York that will have every single leading director from companies around the world. After hearing that, I was so stoked. I am, also, scared because this is a one shot opportunity. Of course I won't be scared once I just do the audition, but yea, you get what I'm saying. I am really happy though. Haha every now and then I think about the time when I was 8 years old and I watched my first ballet and saw a professional do something incredible; I was back stage I brought my mom out back and said "Mama......that's going to be me one day...." I cry every time I think about that.

I feel like everything is going good though; dance has been really awesome, Winter Dance has been kicking my ass, but that's always going to happen I enjoy it no matter how hard it is, auditions are almost over and soon I'll find where my career path takes me, and for my high school life.....trying to be with this girl......she's different, but in a good way. I'm still getting to know her, but she's a lot of fun to hang out with. She is one of those people I can tell her how I feel and not feel uncomfortable about it. I'm enjoying hanging out with her and it's been so much fun when I do...every single second I hang out with her.....i just forget about my stress or what is worrying me and just makes me happy and always smile....


Well.....still have some things to do this term......let's get to work and see what happens........

That time of year once again.....

Well it is that time of the year. Nutcracker is coming up....you have no idea how nervous I am. Snow hasn't been going that well especially after rehearsal today. Grand Pas is getting better but at the very end just have one last lift. After giving everything you got in the pas de deux, ur variation, and the coda, you try to give that little bit burst of energy to do the last lift. I just hope everything works out. This is stressing me out...it shouldn't because I enjoy performing but when it comes to the thing that I've always wanted to do since i was 8.....makes me nervous as hell. But I must give it my best because tomorrow will be our first and my last time doing nutcracker at UNCSA. I can't believe it. I just want to show everyone, especially my parents, and my second grandfather who has never seen me dance, show them what I can do and show them how much I love this and enjoy. God, or whoever, please give me the will to give everything I got.......just please.

Pain....is it ok to feel this way?

School is done for the term.....and now Thanksgiving and then Nutcracker. Everything has happened so fast I can't believe it. I'm feeling weird these days. It could be because something in my social life has happened and because Nutcracker is almost here and I'm getting anxious. It's different. It's hard for me to explain. I should be happy, and I am, but at the same time, I'm tired...physically....mentally.....and emotionally. I'm trying to not keep it in my head, but it just keeps coming back. I've never felt this way before. I'm guessing it is just part of life. I told myself I would not get into this situation, and look what happened. I knew that this was going to happen but not right before we go to the theater for Nutcracker. Oh, well....can't really do anything about it. I want to stop feeling this way. Every now and then I think about it and all I want to do is cry. It's crazy. I've never been so angry, and yet so sad. I know I keep repeating this and you're probably thinking "just get over it"....well I'm trying, but it's hard. Is God punishing me and telling me that carma sucks.....or was this suppose to happen? Well whatever reason......it worked......

The Mark that will be with me for the rest of my life....

The time that is always stressful, but yet, always fun for me....Nutcracker. It's been going pretty good so far. It's fun, but a lot of stress. Just trying to make it perfect. Earlier in rehearsal today, we were about to get ready for Snow Pas rehearsal. Before we started, my teacher Douglas said, "I really want to see you guys perform. We are all here for a reason....because you want to dance and you enjoy it otherwise we wouldn't be here. We want to make the audience happy. This is why I danced...not only I enjoyed dancing, but I wanted the audience to enjoy it as well....so they can go home and be amazed, while we go home, relax, and tell ourselves that it felt really good. We can fix the technical stuff, but when it comes to the performing, that's something me, Ethan, or even Mr. Conover can't fix. That is something you have to show. I want you guys to get your names out there; I want this for you guys. I want this to happen so I can bring my kid to see the company that you're in and perform." After that.......it made me cry during rehearsal. Now, for some of you, that is weird; and that's fine, take it however you want it to. But, what he said really got to me. It helped me remind myself why I am here and I am here for a reason. It even brought me back to the time when I first started dancing; the first time I got on stage.......I just remembering how being on that stage.....I never felt that happy in my entire life. I just remembered how I told myself...."this is what I want to do......I know that I will be a dancer."

The Moment I've Waited For

Tonight I just saw a movie that I have been waiting for to see in months. I saw the movie Mao's Last Dancer. ......I have never seen a movie with so much power in my life. It actually gave me chills after seeing the movie. It made me realize that I thought I had it bad, but after seeing that movie, I realized what I have gone through is nothing compared to what Li Cunxin has gone through. I don't know how I would be with myself if I had to go through all the situations he was in. People looked at me weird like "why is he saying this? It's just a movie." That's fine. I can understand why you're saying it. But this movie had showed me that you shouldn't give up; no matter how you go through it and how hard it is at times, you still believe in yourself and dance from your heart. Dreams do come true. I saw this movie because it had my art, and it showed what the Chinese have to go through to become ballet dancers. ......I have never cried over something like this before.....just goes to show how much i really care and appreciate the art form of ballet...