That time of year once again.....

Well it is that time of the year. Nutcracker is coming up....you have no idea how nervous I am. Snow hasn't been going that well especially after rehearsal today. Grand Pas is getting better but at the very end just have one last lift. After giving everything you got in the pas de deux, ur variation, and the coda, you try to give that little bit burst of energy to do the last lift. I just hope everything works out. This is stressing me out...it shouldn't because I enjoy performing but when it comes to the thing that I've always wanted to do since i was 8.....makes me nervous as hell. But I must give it my best because tomorrow will be our first and my last time doing nutcracker at UNCSA. I can't believe it. I just want to show everyone, especially my parents, and my second grandfather who has never seen me dance, show them what I can do and show them how much I love this and enjoy. God, or whoever, please give me the will to give everything I got.......just please.

Pain....is it ok to feel this way?

School is done for the term.....and now Thanksgiving and then Nutcracker. Everything has happened so fast I can't believe it. I'm feeling weird these days. It could be because something in my social life has happened and because Nutcracker is almost here and I'm getting anxious. It's different. It's hard for me to explain. I should be happy, and I am, but at the same time, I'm tired...physically....mentally.....and emotionally. I'm trying to not keep it in my head, but it just keeps coming back. I've never felt this way before. I'm guessing it is just part of life. I told myself I would not get into this situation, and look what happened. I knew that this was going to happen but not right before we go to the theater for Nutcracker. Oh, well....can't really do anything about it. I want to stop feeling this way. Every now and then I think about it and all I want to do is cry. It's crazy. I've never been so angry, and yet so sad. I know I keep repeating this and you're probably thinking "just get over it"....well I'm trying, but it's hard. Is God punishing me and telling me that carma sucks.....or was this suppose to happen? Well whatever reason......it worked......

The Mark that will be with me for the rest of my life....

The time that is always stressful, but yet, always fun for me....Nutcracker. It's been going pretty good so far. It's fun, but a lot of stress. Just trying to make it perfect. Earlier in rehearsal today, we were about to get ready for Snow Pas rehearsal. Before we started, my teacher Douglas said, "I really want to see you guys perform. We are all here for a reason....because you want to dance and you enjoy it otherwise we wouldn't be here. We want to make the audience happy. This is why I danced...not only I enjoyed dancing, but I wanted the audience to enjoy it as well....so they can go home and be amazed, while we go home, relax, and tell ourselves that it felt really good. We can fix the technical stuff, but when it comes to the performing, that's something me, Ethan, or even Mr. Conover can't fix. That is something you have to show. I want you guys to get your names out there; I want this for you guys. I want this to happen so I can bring my kid to see the company that you're in and perform." After that.......it made me cry during rehearsal. Now, for some of you, that is weird; and that's fine, take it however you want it to. But, what he said really got to me. It helped me remind myself why I am here and I am here for a reason. It even brought me back to the time when I first started dancing; the first time I got on stage.......I just remembering how being on that stage.....I never felt that happy in my entire life. I just remembered how I told myself...."this is what I want to do......I know that I will be a dancer."

The Moment I've Waited For

Tonight I just saw a movie that I have been waiting for to see in months. I saw the movie Mao's Last Dancer. ......I have never seen a movie with so much power in my life. It actually gave me chills after seeing the movie. It made me realize that I thought I had it bad, but after seeing that movie, I realized what I have gone through is nothing compared to what Li Cunxin has gone through. I don't know how I would be with myself if I had to go through all the situations he was in. People looked at me weird like "why is he saying this? It's just a movie." That's fine. I can understand why you're saying it. But this movie had showed me that you shouldn't give up; no matter how you go through it and how hard it is at times, you still believe in yourself and dance from your heart. Dreams do come true. I saw this movie because it had my art, and it showed what the Chinese have to go through to become ballet dancers. ......I have never cried over something like this before.....just goes to show how much i really care and appreciate the art form of ballet...

whoa..........

Well......I'm back in school. It's good to be back. I've missed everyone. Good god am I going to cry after this year is over. I miss my family of course, but they always want me to be happy as usual so gotta keep going. I know I keep saying this, and I'm sorry to bug people, but 3 years going by this fast.....I just can't believe it. Being a senior though.......it feels so good. I felt like I've accomplished what I have done and what I have came here for and continuing to work on it and keep going toward the path I want to go to. One of the best things in my life was coming to this school. This place has showed me and gave me an experience I probably would have never gotten if I stayed at home. It showed me how to appreciate the work of dance physically, mentally, and emotionally. If it wasn't for this place, god knows where I would be right now in ballet. I would not know near half the things I learned here if I stayed at home at my old studio and going to start my career. However, there is two little things left that I gotta do before I leave here and graduate and move on. One is, obviously, finish school, and the second.....well.......I don't know if I can do because I get scared in these kinds of situations.......but I hope soon that the fear will no longer be there after this year..........

R.I.P. Summer '10

This summer......was awesome. I have had so much fun. And now....school is about to start back up, and I am really excited for it. Senior year...wow. It happened so fast. Who knew that 3 years would just go like that? Not gonna lie though....I am kinda scared about this year and after this year. I just don't know what will happen, but I'm not going to let anything get in the way with this year; hopefully. I just don't want things to happen that's going to ruin my year. I doubt it will, so I'm not going to be negative about it. I am looking forward to seeing everyone though. The last year to see everyone before I am back out to see in the real world. I am going to cry so so much after graduation. Dear God, haha, I can see it already. And most importantly....my last time dancing with UNCSA. I have come a long way with this place. If it wasn't for this place and going to Houston for two years, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now. I am just thankful right now for everything. These 2, almost 3, years have been amazing. I look forward to finishing the year exciting and making this year the best year I have ever had for the rest of my life until I am dead. I thank everyone, friends, teachers, my family. Everyone......thank you so much......

Coming to an End.....

I'm almost done in Houston. Wow....it happened so fast. I can't believe it. Chances are I'll probably cry. I'm already depressed in a way though. Rehearsals haven't gone the way I wanted them to be, some things in my life are just screwing me over, the way I'm dancing right now I'm not happy with it (could be I'm tired though), and on top of all that, my teacher said I did not improve at all the past year. That really surprised me and just makes me very concerned. I've never felt this way before in my entire life. I don't want to feel this way because I know it just brings me down and it just makes everything worse, but it's so hard; especially with what I want to do. Is God trying to tell me something? Is he trying to show me something? Is he trying to show me that everything I'm worried about is really nothing to be worried about or is it just the way my life is going to be?.........who knows?

A New Start on my LIfe

What can I say......welcome back to Houston. Same old hot weather, but you know....it beats home. I turned 18 not too long ago and that's a scary thing for me. It just made me realize that I think I just wasted all of my teenage years. Oh well....can't turn around and do anything about it, I guess. Houston is even harder than it was last year, which I like. The teachers are on my ass even more than last year. This place finally helped me understand that I have to take everything for granted; I have to take the challenge and at least try and not sit there. I've felt like I've wasted a lot of my training.....I know that is not true, but that's just what it feels like with me. Seeing all of my friends, which I love, even makes me more sad. Some I will stay in touch with, and most I probably won't see ever again. I mean my old class just graduated and I will probably never see them ever again. My freshmen class I have hardly seen and they will graduate along with me.....so......I guess this is what people have been saying when they say live life to the fullest. I guess I better make this worth it before I evolve into a man and live on my own....... :(